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Disclaimer: Satire 

On the news last night, it was nothing but scandal. Scandal. Scandal.

I don’t think I’ve seen political misconduct of this magnitude since Watergate.

The Woodward and Bernsteins of our time were busy digging through documents, uncovering truth. Protecting democracy. From corruption. From evil.

Erica Stanford, Minister of Education and obvious crook, first in the firing line. 

Her crime? Printing off work emails at home. 

Disgraceful.

A two-part report from 1News leading the bulletin over consecutive nights details how this menace, flagrant in her disregard for best practice, printed papers from her home computer after emailing them to her own private email address.

Why? I hear you ask. Why such an egregious act?

Well it turns out, and this where the story really gets interesting, Parliamentary IT hadn’t hooked up a printer in her office or home.

So instead of ignoring her immense workload, switching off her computer and going to the pub like any decent politician, she emailed them to herself, printed them off. And worked late into the night. 

Outrageous. 

Other documents, other emails exclusively uncovered - the existence of which made possible because the Minister flagged them with officials for inclusion in future OIA requests. Like the one we're now looking at.

So, brazen in flouting the rules she thought she’d never get caught. 

Shameless. 

One reporter noted Stanford was quote “safe for now”.

It’s at least on par with the Hegseth and his signal chat. Kiri Allen drunk driving then crashing a ministerial car before resisting arrest pales into comparison. 

But how much worse can this scandal get for Stanford? 

We must wait for part two this evening. 

Then the next minister in the firing line? Matt Doocey. Mental Health. And this story is crazy - he should be locked up like crooked Hilary. 

His crime? 

Worse than lying… the newsreader told us the accusation was, wait for it... massaging the message.

It's a new charge but thought to be very, very, very serious.

Some pages detailing workforce shortages were removed from a glossy Ministerial booklet that went out to the public. 

There was one small problem with this future Pulitzer Prize winner.

The problem, as cameras bared down, as his crimes were read aloud, was Doocey had no idea what the reporter was talking about - it was old mate Lester Levy.

It was Levy's fingerprints over this one, not Doocey's.

But he’s already on the way out, so what’s the fun in getting him on camera? Shackling him to the pillory for a flogging?

So, it was Doocey in the dock. 

The best part about this expose? It came with its very own deep throat. Yes, an insider whose secret cache of draft documents blew the sorry wide open…

That person was Ingrid Leary from the Labour Party. 

Case closed. It’s a knockout. It’s a slam dunk.

Both ministers must be sacked immediately.